The Peculiar Disappearance of Jennifer Drury
by Evyira
Summary: What in the hell is happened? Is it a dream? No, she'd never had a natural dream as vivid as this. Drugs?... possibly. She should have known such a wonderful morning never would have happened on a Wednesday. (Semi-SI/OC)
1. Chapter 1

_Hi guys. I seriously didn't mean to start this story let alone get it past the basic idea but suddenly it's three chapters long and is making me laugh so I really wanted to share it. I have no idea where it is going but I'm willing to make the journey with you all. Message me if you have any good ideas as I'd love to get everyone involved. P.S. I do not own The Hobbit._

* * *

 **Chapter 1: The Peculiar Disappearance of Jennifer Drury**

* * *

It was a Wednesday morning just like any other when Jenny Drury woke up tucked up in bed with a warm ray of sunlight peeking through her curtains. She relished in the fact that she was able to sleep in today as she had organised to do a half-shift today at the salon in exchange for a double shift on the weekend. She most definitely was not regretting that decision as she languished in the comfort of her bed. All to soon though the call of nature was too loud to ignore any longer and she trudged into the bathroom. As she was perfunctorily washing her hands she happened to glance in the mirror and was dismayed to find her long ashy hair sporting a rather intricate birds nest facsimile that she had no hope of sorting out with a brush.

Mentally crossing off her plan to do laundry this morning she instead decided a shower was in order. It took two rinses with her more upper market shampoo she had received through work to sort out the tangles before her long hair was able to be smoothed and slid silkily not damply down her back. With a heaving sigh Jenny just stood under the cascade of water, eyes closed, enjoying the warmth much like the wetter version of soft sunlight on skin when the pipes gurgled and started to spew cold water. Her eyes snapped open to darkness and shivers began to wrack her body.

It appeared the power had gone out as well as the hot water but even then she could not even see the glow of light from under the door. Slapping a damp hand out to pull away the shower curtain to find her cotton towel she was shocked instead to find cool stone. Unable to take the cold water any longer she stepped out of the stream in an impossible step if she were in fact in her small shower cubicle in her cosy apartment. Dumbfounded she absently registered the gritty feel of coarse sand under her feet and now that her eyes had apparently adjusted there was a weak glow coming a few steps away apparently from a giant mushroom. Shivers again wracked her body and she clenched her teeth to stop them chattering. She valiantly attempted to rationalise the situation but came up short. It was quite clear to her that she was most likely mad. Regardless of her current state of madness she was also curious and so took a few hesitant steps towards the glowing mushroom. Her movements were stilted and seemed to amplify the chill but wanted to see the mushroom closer as it appeared so… _real_. She placed her shaking hand to the mushroom and was dismayed that the glow suddenly disappeared upon her touch. Another mushroom nearby though prevented total darkness and she felt the urge to then move on to the new mushroom. She shivered again.

Suddenly pensive she looked back to the dimmed mushroom before her and pondered the possibility of hollowing out the centre to make some sort of outfit as she was quite aware she was very much naked and very, very cold. She wrung out her hair to the best of her ability and rubbed vigorously at her skin to stimulate some warmth. Seeing no other alternative she decided to don the mushroom as an outfit and to her relief it managed to actually absorb some of the frigid water clinging to her pale skin. Feeling more than ridiculous and a bit like Alice in Wonderland she decided to travel to the next mushroom, then the next, then the next. She followed a trail of mushrooms along the tunnel and eventually it began to open up into a large cavern. She soon found that the mushrooms were not the only glowing thing here as she could see a type of moss like plant growing on the edge of what appeared to be a small underground lake. The surface of said lake had not one ripple and reflected the luminescent plants and fungi making the grotto sickly green and eerie. It also faintly illuminated flecks of yellow light that flickered far above the cavern that could be sunlight or fireflies for all she knew. She stood silently staring at the lake for some time wondering what on earth she was suppose to do next.

It wasn't until there was a scraping sound in what appeared to be another cave tunnel that she took some form of action. She also swiftly decided that even if this was some mad hallucination or a even a wacky dream she didn't particularly want to find out what sort of creature would live in a dank cave. She skittered along the walls of the cavern to hide in clump of mushrooms pricking her bare foot on what appeared to be a fishbone along the way. The scraping in the tunnel became louder and a small bony creature eventually emerged. It was hunched and dragged perhaps a thick tail behind it. It made squeaking noises until the creature went and kicked the tail and the squeaks hushed then to her horror actually spoke.

'Shut up! _Filthy things, coming down from the walls, we hates them._ ' came a somehow familiar grumbling voice. The body creature suddenly un-hunched and the 'tail' was dropped revealing another pale grotesque creature which had been dragged by the first. Jenny felt her heartbeat in her throat as she realised where she had seen this creature before. Gollum after all was well known to her… from books and films. Gollum hefted his prize again peered around the cavern, she could she the lakes reflection in its large watery eyes. It suddenly zeroed in on her location with surprising accuracy.

'What's this precious? Is it another filthy goblin? Oh! it smells sweet precious! What is it? What is it?' the creature Gollum cooed and started for her location.

'Oh shit…' she whispered.

* * *

It was when the hot water ran out in Building 162 on Hutchinson Road that they started to investigate. Mrs Worthington has been 'tsk'ing her neighbour for well over half an hour before a knock was heard at her door. It was the landlord who had received many a complaint that there was running water in this vicinity of the building and by gosh he was going to get to the bottom of it. Mrs Worthington took no time at all to dob in her neighbour who had been showering for now… 3 hours?! The landlord fuming pounded on the door of Unit 6 of one Jennifer Drury demanding she open up or so help him he would force entry. When there was no response the anger turned to unsettling. He shared a look with Mrs Worthington who had been stickybeaking from her doorway and was able to use the spare key that hidden in the locked utility room to open Unit 6. A quick search of the apartment showed nothing of distress and a troubled Mrs Worthington was asked to enter to bathroom to see if Miss Drury was indeed inside and needing of assistance. The door was widened to let the landlord look inside after Mrs Worthington discovered a barren bathroom with an empty shower cubicle streaming cold water (which was promptly turned off). After another cursory look it was decided that Miss Drury was not in fact in the apartment and apparently without her phone and wallet, which were lying casually on the kitchen island. The circumstances surrounding this strange happening in Unit 6 was disturbing enough that they though it might be best if perhaps the authorities were involved. It was better safe than sorry after all.

The police had been optimistic at first expecting Miss Drury to arrive home embarrassed and hung-over from whatever cocktail of alcohol or perhaps drugs she had consumed and they would be able to close this case. After all its it fairly uncommon for well off, young, Caucasian women who have no prior history with any form of anxiety and/or depression to simply wander off without their wallets or phones, forgetting to even turn off their showers. No it was clear from the lack of struggle or motive that this was a likely substance abuse case. This however changed at the 24-hour mark. The family of the woman was starting to get anxious and so the pressure was on. The officers who had received the case deferred to the chief and started a neighbourhood search. By day 2 the disappearance was in local news and by the week out it was national. There were no leads and no hints to even why she would have vanished. They declared it a cold case after the first year and it even ranked a mention in the top 100 most baffling cases of the century. The police never found her.

The family of Jennifer Drury were devastated when they found out that she had disappeared. Her sister gave a heartfelt plea on national television begging anyone who had information to contact the police and even if Jenny was somehow watching to please call home to tell them she was safe. Life moved on for the Drury family eventually although they were always prompt in updating their contact details to and reporting their whereabouts to family and friends, even going away for the weekend. They found holidays a bit depressing at times without a key member of the family and when new family members were added they made sure to inform them of their dear Aunt/Cousin/Sister-in-law who had to go away but wished she would somehow someday return home. Truthfully they had given up most hope but there were still times when the phone would ring and they would wonder… just maybe this time?

The truth of the matter was the disappearance of Jennifer Drury was both puzzling and somewhat bizarre but who is one to say it was not also the best thing to have ever happened to her.

* * *

 _xo_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi all, chapter two! Still have no idea what is going on but it seems to be heading on a journey. Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit._

* * *

 **Chapter 2: The Mushwoman**

* * *

Jenny was having heart palpitations and was seriously close to wetting her mushroom skirt with something other than her damp skin as the skeletal figure that was Gollum approached her.

Did Gollum eat humans? She knew he threatened to eat Bilbo and she was not far off a hobbit. He most definitely ate goblins and fish but seriously… was she in danger of being eaten? Gollum certainly seemed to think so as evidenced by his disturbingly cheery eating song.

 _'_ _Oooohh what a tasty little surprise hidden in my home,_

 _Can I take a bite, mush the flesh and crunch the bone?_

 _Oooh a tasty little treat hidden in my home'_

Jenny hunched her shoulders and flattened herself up against the cavern wall. What the hell is happening to her? Was she actually dreaming? No, she'd never had a natural dream as vivid as this. Drugs?... possibly. She should have known such a wonderful morning never would happen on a Wednesday. Hell, having a morning off was way too good to be true. No, she was obviously seriously psychotic. She'll check her in a facility as soon at the hallucinogens wore off. First off though she didn't fancy living through being eaten by a character from a book so perhaps she could play this out? Well, what else could she possibly do?

'Oh, I'm not for eating,' she called out stepping out of the cluster of glowing mushrooms she had been hiding in. It seemed to pull Gollum up short.

'What is this? Not an icky goblin, too tall and rosy. But what is it? A talking mushroom?' Gollum croaked.

There was a long, silent pause where he appeared to try and puzzle out what she exactly _was_ but couldn't quite work it out. To his credit, she didn't think she could have been mistaken for a human at this time as not only was she completely out of place for a goblin cave but also wet, shivering and wearing a ridiculous mushroom as an outfit. She didn't think Middle Earth had a cave-dwelling mushroom-humans before so it wasn't a stretch to assume he wouldn't try and eat something he didn't know. Using that mentality as a baseline she decided just to go for it.

'Staring is rude. You need better manners,' she informed him casually as the pause stretched into the minutes.

He startled.

'Manners?'

'Yes, manners. Haven't you seen a lady mushroom before?' Jenny gave him a dubious look, 'surely you must have. Are you perhaps joking? I'm sorry but I don't get mammal humour.'

Gollum appeared to having some sort of contortion of his face. His confusion was apparent.

'Lady mushrooms? Mammal? What is it going on about precious?'

'Mammal. It's what you are. Red blooded and warm… I assume?'

'…and you's are a lady mushroom?'

'A Mushwoman in fact,' Jenny stated proudly.

'Bleergh! What a nasty treat! We don't like the shiny mushrooms no we don't! Horrible and ashy in our mouths. No we do not like Mushladies either, not one bit.'

 _'_ _What a goddamn relief,'_ thought Jenny, _'Now to keep up the charade.'_

'How terribly rude of you. Mushwomen are not for eating. We are for sowing. How else do you get more mushrooms?' She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

'Sewing with needles or sowing with seeds?' Gollum asked curiously.

This time it was Jenny's turn to come up short. Her estimation of Gollum's intelligence just went way up. Suddenly she felt a lot more nervous.

'Sowing with seeds of course. What has a mushroom need for clothes?' Jenny laughed nervously and fought not to adjust her makeshift outfit. She was pretty sure the upper half of the mushroom was slipping and a nipple was peeking through.

'We didn't know mushrooms had seeds precious? We just thought they popped out of the ground like daisys.'

She was about to correct him but his comment was swiftly followed by his own hacking chastisement, _'Daisys have seeds you fool -gollum.'_

Feeling a little more wary she tried to make sense of her lie.

'Well you're correct in a way but mushrooms don't have seeds like daisy's do. That's why I'm here. You need a lady mushroom to help have more mushrooms.'

'There are lots of mushrooms here precious and no mushlady. _We thinks you are lying_ ,' Gollum rasped getting suspicious. She began to panic.

'Maybe you just didn't see her? Most of us are awfully shy.'

Gollum scowled.

'Make a mushroom then mushlady.'

'Mushwoman,' she corrected primly, 'and that would be impossible.'

' _Liar!_ We hates liars!'

'I'm not lying. It's just I can't at the moment.'

'Whys then?! No more lies!'

'Why? Um… Ah! Why I need a Mushman of course!'

'A Mushman!?'

'Yes, a Mushman. After all every mushroom needs a Mushmother and a Mushfather to be a fully adjusted… mushroom.'

She was slowly dying inside. What on earth was she even saying?

'But I don't thinks there is any Mushman in here no we don'ts precious.'

'Oh dear… Well, I guess I'll have to leave to find some. Mushrooms don't make themselves after all.'

Gollum puzzled over this but couldn't find any flaw with that logic. Deciding that this was a good as exit strategy as any Jenny decided to move the conversation along.

'Well its settled then. If you can just lead me to the exit of this cave I can go on my life journey to find a Mushman, settle down and raise a few Mushchildren.'

'I don't think I like Mushlady,' he muttered and crouched down to pick at the fishbones discarded on the gritty soil, 'Too much talking, not enough sense.'

'I think you'll find that most males are of a much similar opinion. But that cant be helped. The exit if you would please?' Jenny asked courteously.

'If we haves to. We'll go ups and ups and outs and outs,' Gollum tittered, ' _But at a price –gollum.'_

'A price? What could a Mushroom offer you?'

That seemed to stump him.

'What do we wants precious? A gift? A present? We already haves one. Why another? _What can it give us?_ '

'Umm… Mushwomen don't carry much I'm afraid,' she replied hesitantly.

' _Mushladies in their mushroom dresses always hide something.'_

Jenny was positive he'd never met a Mushlady before so he must have made that ditty up on the spot. It reminded her though his fondness for riddles. It was terrible that she was awful at riddles but maybe he wouldn't oppose to a poem or a song? Something clever…

'I'm not sure about hiding anything but I can offer to compose you a song? Mushwomen songs are quite legendary after all.'

'Really? _Never heard of it.'_

'How odd? How long have you been down here? Almost everyone knows,' Jenny said blithely quite comfortable in her knowledge that Gollum had been down here for centuries. At least she was pretty sure… she wasn't exactly sure where and when she was in the storyline. There was around a 500 year gap between the ring becoming missing and Bilbo finding the ring so… well. She actually had no idea.

Gollum hissed at her.

'Not very nice. _Sing a song? We don't want that!'_

'Well I can't very well do anything else,' Jenny replied huffing.

Suddenly though Gollum leapt forward startling her. His bony fingers grabbed her wrist and yanked her down. She shrieked and then stilled at large watery green eyes stared into her own. His eyes wandered slowly down and in doing so his eyes impossibly widened more.

'It's a girl!' he suddenly cried out releasing her.

Jenny yanked back her wrist and rubbed it absently as she skittered back a few steps.

'What?'

'You's are a _girl_ mushroom!'

'Umm… yes?'

Gollum shrieked terribly and it was making her extremely nervous. He darted away and hid behind a rock only half his size. Jenny stood awkwardly where she was in front of a clump of glowing mushrooms and tried to pretend that everything was perfectly normal.

'Goes away!' he cried out.

'Ok! Umm… tell me which way to go and I will!' she called back.

'Ups and ups and outs and outs!'

'What!?'

'UPS AND UPS AND OUTS AND OUTS!'

' _Good grief…_ ' Jenny muttered and stalked over to the rock, 'Just lead me out and I'll go.'

Gollum didn't take to kindly to her moving and he peeked up at her only the shut his eyes immediately and then slap both hands over his eyes.

'Why is it _here!'_ he wailed.

'Stop being a child and just help me!'

'Help! We'll helps! _Hurry!'_

Gollum skittered off again and this time Jenny followed. He rushed over to the broken body of the goblin he had dragged in and proceeded to strip him.

'What on earth are you doing?'

'Helping. Need to help,' he replied.

Confused Jenny let him strip away the clothes of the goblin then to her surprise he turned and threw them at her.

'Fix you up. Helping. _Please!'_

With that he swiftly turned around and rubbed at his eyes muttering, ' _Indecent. Not a lady a_ girl _!_ '

Confused Jenny looked down at the torn rags he'd thrown at her. She then looked down at herself and finally understood.

'Good lord!' she cried out. She had been accidentally flashing him.

Quickly adjusting the mushroom she lent down and picked up the rag he had thrown at her. Deciding that she would prioritise her lower half she made a loose sarong with the rags and was able to lift the mushroom higher up her chest giving a little more modesty.

 _'_ _Not that it matters much now,_ ' she muttered.

'Is it hidden? Is it gone?' Gollum asked hopefully.

'Well I'm still here if that's what you wanted to know,' Jenny answered morosely.

Gollum peeked around and drew out a relieved breath.

'It's gone. Not a lady at all!'

'Now can I go? Ups and ups and outs and outs?' Jenny pleaded.

'Yes, ups and ups and outs and outs.'

'Ok, show me the way.'

* * *

It was almost better back in the cave.

The wind was chilly and bit deeply into her skin where it was exposed. She had thought she had reached the pinnacle of her cold tolerance back in the cave but it seemed she had new heights to go.

'It's cold,' she said redundantly.

Gollum didn't react at all to the comment so she turned to ask him if he had any more clothes but he had disappeared. Well, its not like he hadn't been quite clear on his stance of her in his cave. In amongst his mutterings as he led her up and out of the cave she clearly heard him say 'good riddance' amongst less than savoury comment on her decency.

She was glad to be out of the cave but she would be dying of hyperthermia if she didn't warm up. What made matters than much worse is that her long hair hadn't quite dried so when the wind blew more than a smidgeon it would brush against her back and send chills down her spine.

'Well… I suppose I start walking?' she supposed and stepped out into the soft sunlight.

* * *

 _xo_


	3. Chapter 3

_Hi all, inspiration has struck again. Ends up this story is getting more meaty and I even had to look up a map of middle earth to get my bearings. For LOTR major fans take note that its the East-West Road she comes across. But no more chapter spoilers! Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit or anything about it._

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Of Dwarrows and Men**

* * *

Fortunately for Jenny it seemed she had emerged from the mountains during the early morning and while the chill in the wind remained brisk the sun was pleasantly warming. What was not so fortunate is that her apparent lack of shoes did not correspond well with the sharp rocks and prickly bushes in her path. So her feet were bruised and bleeding before she had even entered the tree line as she crossed the ravine the led to the entrance of the tunnel she had crawled out of.

It was the bark of a skinny looking tree that gave her pause and she began stripping off decent sized pieces. It might have taken less than the hour she did take if she had not been so pedantic about the 'right' sized piece of bark before she was satisfied. When she had two 'acceptable' sized pieces she sacrificed some more of her already scandalous sarong to make some strips of linen. With that she wrapped both her feet in the bark and linen combination till it was secure.

'I'm a genius!' she cawed triumphantly and she took her first couple of steps in her new shoes. Not great but definitely an improvement.

It took another hour or so for her to stumble across a path of some sort. It was hardly more than a goat trail but the signs of hacked off branches on the sides of the path encouraged her that it was perhaps a well-used one. She began to walk down the path after discerning that yes she was in fact not walking back towards the mountains and possibly heading east.

She was a little hungry though and took to picking off pieces of her mushroom top to sate her hunger. True a little dry but despite what Gollum said the flavour was actually quite nice. If she also was starting to see everything in a shade of blue? Well at least her stomach was a little fuller.

Munching and walking set the beat for her time on the trail and it wasn't until the scent of something rancid reached her nose that she paused in her trek. She almost threw up all the mushroom she had consumed when she spotted the remains of what appeared to be a goblin judging from the size and hopefully not a hobbit. He had a curved sword stuck in his... her? chest and looked quite the grizzly picture.

Jenny looked around a little nervously. Had she been walking along a goblin trail the whole time?

She pondered the implications of this knowledge and mused over the body. True at first glance the goblin was pretty horrific looking but now that she looked closer it might have died rather comically it seemed as it was doing the splits. The ragged clothes it was wearing also gave her pause but she decided she wasn't worth it apparently making the distinction that freshly killed goblin clothes were the only acceptable clothes to loot and certainly not days, possibly weeks, old goblin. She had standards after all.

She took the sword though and wiped it off on the dead goblin and ducked into the nearby bushes. She was still going to follow the trail but just to be on the safe side she was going to at a distance where it was less likely to be spotted by nasties that she couldn't beat. Her new sword made her feel better but it most definitely was a placebo as she had no idea how to use it.

She followed the path and soon it ran perpendicular to what seemed to be a road. The road was large enough that a wagon could be pulled through and seemed to be well used judging by the amount of wheel ruts.

She still wasn't keen on walking _on_ it after the episode with the goblin so again travelled along side of it in the direction that had the least amount of mountains in the distance. She was getting rather thirsty and the mushroom bodice was getting rather scanty so she had to stop munching.

It was later in the afternoon when she finally decided she had to stop or she would pass out. The sun had fallen and that little creek she had passed on the way hardly had quenched her thirst.

She sat against a tree and noted that the sun was touching the mountains in what had to be west.

At least she was heading in the right direction, she thought.

It was then that there was a rumble on the road. The groaning of wood, the chink of armour and the burr of manly voices chatting amongst themselves. She peeked out and along the road there appeared to be a caravan of men… scratch that… dwarves!'

She was stunned for a good while as the stout figures gradually became closer and she took in the boxy armour and the huge weaponry they held.

They're rather ominous for such small beings, she mused. She ducked back into the bushes still deciding on whether she'd make an appearance to them.

Were dwarves generally good guys or bad guys? She thought generally good but she was hesitant to blanket an entire species as 'good' and so she thought she'd just watch to get a feel for them.

Jenny crept along as quietly as she could and made sure to remain ahead of the dwarves so they wouldn't hear her.

It was unfortunate for her that she was not the only one stalking this caravan.

* * *

She thought she had been doing pretty all right until she almost ran into someone. It was only through sheer luck she fell sideways behind a tree in surprise that when the man turned he failed to see anyone.

'Alrighty boys, on my signal we spook the horses and attack from all sides,' the apparent leader of the bandits whispered and got some affirmative grunts in reply.

'Three, two, one. Go, go, go!'

Then there was havoc. She couldn't see the true measure of it but she got the idea as men poured out over the bushes and began attacking the caravan. She could hear the ring of metal and the occasional cry of pain resounding through the forest as she cowered behind her tree. She would have run but her legs didn't seem to be working right.

The dusk was also truly turning into evening now as the shadows of the trees deepened hiding her more completely. Grasping her sword like a lifeline she darted her eyes around ready for anything to pop out but hoping it wouldn't.

Jenny was just a stressed ball of nerves and soon she couldn't hear much over the beating of her heart. It was either that or the skirmish seemed to be winding down. Gathering up all the bravado she had she decided to crawl closer to the road to peek through the bushes.

It seemed the dwarves had lost seeing the amount of them down and that the men were ferreting around in the back of the caravan.

'Awww… they're tinkers,' one of the men called disappointed, 'All broken junk. Aren't dwarves meant to hoard treasure?'

'Ye be thinking of dragons man-child' one of the felled dwarves spat.

'Ah… you'd know a lot about dragons wouldn't you dwarf,' the man retorted spitefully and that got a couple more men sniggering.

'We're blue mountain dwarrow you idiot!' another one of the dwarves with a squeaky voice called out. Jenny suspected he wasn't as old as he looked.

It looked like the man was going to respond once more but a faint thundering was heard. A storm? Jenny peeked up at the starlit sky and noted the lack of clouds. No, but the thundering was getting louder.

'Grab what you can men!' the bandit leader called and they scrambled for trinkets and attempted to get the hell out of dodge.

'It's too late for that,' a voice called from up the road where a man rode on a horse in the opposite direction of where the thundering was coming from, 'We have you surrounded.'

'Friend or foe?' the first dwarf called from where he hand stood up holding his side pained.

'Always a friend to those in need dwarf. I am Haglen of Tharbad. Let us assist you,' Haglen called and then issued his men, 'Capture them!'

The bandits put up a pitiful fight after that and soon they were all shackled and tied to the wagon they had tried to steal from.

Haglen jumped from his horse once the dust had settled and went up to the dwarves who were staring at him suspiciously.

'What do you want?' one asked.

'Peace now friends. We wished only to assist in capturing your would be burglars and we have triumphed. Well, almost,' he corrected suddenly, 'Grab the one that is in the bushes.'

Jenny froze at his order and attempted to back up and haul ass but an arm grabbed hers.

'Lemmego!' she bumbled trying to shake the hand off and she tried hitting him with her sword but accidently dropped it.

'What's this then? A vagabond?' Haglen mused noting her mushroom shirt and goblin rag sarong. A low whistle came from the group of tied up bandits.

'Looking good there sweetie,' a dark haired bandit called cheekily. Jenny gave the man an affronted look and received a saucy wink in reply. Unfortunately it gave the impression that the man knew her.

'You know her?' Haglen asked the bandit curiously.

The bandit gave her the side eye and a smirk.

'Oh sure? She's the wife. Why don't you tie her up next to me? I'll keep her tame,' he sniggered.

With that condemnation Haglen indicated to one of his men.

'Tie her.'

'You bastard!' Jenny hissed at the bandit then turned her attention to Haglen, 'No! They're lying. I swear I'm not a bandit and certainly not _his_ wife!'

'Don't say that buttercup,' the bandit snickered.

'Shut it you! Don't you drag me down with you.'

'Silence,' Haglen demanded them both. He then turned to Jenny and asked seriously, 'Defend yourself then. Who are you?'

She drew a complete blank. What on earth could she say? She was from another world. No way! But, there was one thing she could try. It worked the first time after all. Two times the charm?

'…a Mushwoman?'

Haglen gave her a disgusted look.

'Tie her up. Oh, and keep an eye on her. There is something wrong with her.'

'Well, shit…' she said bluntly as the other man approached her with a greasy rope.

She had no idea if she could weird her way out of this one.

* * *

The men actually didn't seem the bad sort as they gave her so more decent clothes and some food. In fact they awfully seemed like the good sort with all this rescuing the under trod and terrorised. It was really poor fortune that she was considered one of the bad guys.

The dwarves had accepted the guidance of the men with grudging submission when the men offered them passage to Bree. At first Jenny was ecstatic as she recognised the name of the town and it seemed she was heading in the right way to the Shire despite her chains. In her happiness she took to chatting with the dwarves that chose to guard the wagon she was tied to. They didn't really appreciate it.

'I mean I didn't really grow up dreaming to be a hairdresser. I just kind of fell into it? I needed money after school and an apprenticeship with a friend came up. I mean it was easy?' she nattered to the dwarf next to her.

'Hairdresser?' the dwarf had asked curious despite himself as there was a fair bit of mystery around this wild bandit woman.

'Yes, I suppose you'd have a different name for it here perhaps,' Jenny mused, 'It's my job to give people a bit of a trim when they need it that's all.'

'A trim? What are you slicing?' the dwarf asked with trepidation.

'Hair of course.'

'Aulë help us.' The dwarf asked horrified and took a couple of steps away, 'You chop off peoples hair?'

'Only if asked,' she clarified, 'I do other stuff too, I do leg and arm waxing, triple X even! foils, I also do an excellent job of dyeing-'

'-Enough boasting of your vile deeds,' the dwarf growled tightly gripping his axe.

Jenny was quite affronted.

'Well, you don't have to be so rude. And it's hardly vile. I mean a triple X can get rather nasty at times but man some of those bushes need to be tamed.'

'Silence witch!'

Jenny bit her lip to hold back more nervous chatter but she wanted to make amends to this dwarf.

'I could show you if you'd like?' she offered nicely.

All she got though was a threat on her life and a change of guard. This time it was a man as none of the dwarves would go near her.

'Be careful with the girl,' one of the dwarves said to her new jailer as she was transferred over, 'she's deranged.'

She just glared at the ground and tried not to let it get to her. Why did everyone think she was crazy?

After that she felt less excited about her journey and was less hopeful that she could convince someone that she wasn't actually a criminal.

With any goodwill she might have had from the dwarves gone and the men treating her like she was a nutcase she was rather bored. She didn't like talking to the bandits either as one of the bandits still called her wifey the others asked her for tips on how to annoy the dwarves in seeing her success.

'I don't know why they're upset. I mean what is a little trim? Surely they don't need that length. It's not like their using it. They're just letting it hang there,' she said to the man guarding her as she motioned to the dwarves long hair. The man took it another way though it seemed.

'You _are_ crazy,' said the man cupping his privates protectively.

Jenny sighed. She was going to be locked up forever at this rate.

At least she was heading in the right direction though.

* * *

xx


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey all, ok I know some of you may be confused. Obviously originally there isn't a Tharbad prison but I needed somewhere to put her. So I'm making that there is some makeshift prison from the ruins of Tharbad that is the a place to put criminals that plague the northwest in a place south of the shire and on the western side of the misty mountains. I wanted to see how misunderstood she could be and see where it leads her. Enjoy! Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit._

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Going the Completely Wrong Way About It.**

* * *

Well she was definitely in the wrong direction now.

She had been locked up in Tharbad prison for a month now and her stay was progressively getting worse. She was also getting pretty lonely in this cell.

There were a number of things that went wrong for her. The first was that she never made it into Bree and instead was send further southwards and at least a weeks walk away. The second was the state of the accommodations she was given. She really was seeing how a world that hadn't experienced the Geneva Convention worked. The prison was dim and dirty and oh so very smelly. Made more so by the particularly nasty bog nearby. The third was that her fellow inmates refused talk to her anymore and she had even had her one cellmates ask to transfer away from her even if it meant a worse (if possible!) cell for her. Jenny tried not letting it get to her but she was pretty hurt over that and didn't understand why no one liked her. All she did was talk about how she would clean up the place.

Just about the use of an insect bomb and some thorough scrubbing.

'All this place needs is a thorough gassing that's all,' she had told her old cellmate, 'that and some backbreaking work on the walls. It'll really make things liveable for us.'

Her cellmate cowered in the corner for the rest of her time with her. Any further attempts on talking to her were met with sobbing and she worried for the poor girl.

Now with her cellmate gone she spent most of the time in isolation except for the nervous looking guard that gave her food who Jenny took to flirting with out of simple boredom. The guard didn't really seem to appreciate it but it made her feel a little better.

It was just another dull day when a different guard arrived at her cell. This one apparently took black very seriously as it seemed he had draped in it in every way possible on himself.

'Prisioner 326? We finally… _meet_.'

Jenny pursed her lips.

'My name is Jenny.'

He completely ignored her comment.

'There has been… _talk_ amongst the prisoners. Lets just say I've heard of your… _expertise.'_

Jenny just looked at him blankly through the bars.

'My what?'

'Now don't be shy. It's no secret now. You've made yourself the quite reputation. The dwarves also had no qualms discussing your… _unique skill set._ It seems you have quite the way with other inmates Prisoner 326,' the prison guard continued gleefully.

Jenny wracked her brains to remember what she had been saying to the dwarves she had been travelling with.

'It's Jenny and I think I remember telling the dwarves about what I do for a living? They took offense,' she said finally wondering if that is what he meant. It was true the guard could use a trim as his hair looked similar to a greasy birds nest. It was shameful he had left it go so long without due care as it was frizzing terribly at the ends and she mourned at his split ends.

'Yes… _what you do for a living_ ,' he said delighted.

'No need to be so dramatic about it. It's not really that big of a deal,' Jenny said to the odd guard, 'Did you want me to have a go at your… _problem_?'

Jenny cringed when she unconsciously mimicked his speech pattern. The guard was ecstatic though at her apparent willingness to collude with him. He leaned in closer.

'Ah, you're beginning to understand the situation. You see in reward for your… _generosity_ we could do a little something about these bars hmm?'

Hold up! They were going to let her go?

'So in payment for my services you're letting me go?' she asked attempting to sort out the implications of giving the man a haircut. The guard gave a disturbing laugh.

'Oh, I can do one better. Depends how well you do this could be a more... _permanent arrangement.'_

'If I'm going to do it with any regularity I want to be paid,' she demanded. She needed money to travel to Bree anyway.

'Negotiating already? Hmm… well let's see how… _creative_ you get. Then we'll discuss payment… _deal?_ '

Jenny didn't really have to think it over too long. It was an offer too good to be true and she was sure the guard knew it too judging by the smirk.

'Deal.'

* * *

In what had to be the bottom level of the prison where the shackles hung menacingly on the walls there was a side room the guard led her to. She didn't see many inmates on the way down as most of them fled to the corners of their cells as they walked past.

People are so unfriendly here, she mused.

'Here it is. You're… _workspace_.'

Jenny took in dingy room and then focused on the centre of the room. There was a dirty chair and a rusty table with some equally rusted implements on it. There wasn't even a pair of scissors! And what was she supposed to do with that large screw? She cringed at the conditions she had to work in.

'Well this'll do I guess. I do like my equipment a little cleaner as they make a finer slice but I guess I could just heat them up with that fireplace to try an achieve the same effect,' she told the delighted guard.

'You'll fit right in here… _Jenny_.'

Jenny wrinkled her nose at him and decided to get things moving. She had noticed this guys' tendency to make things drag out. Plus, the sooner this was done the sooner she was out of here and one step closer to Bree.

'Well, why don't you sit right down and let me show you what I can do for you,' she said to the guard.

In response the guard just laughed.

'Oh, you're an amusing one. You're going to make this place a lot more… _fun._ '

'What do you mean? You're the customer correct?' Jenny said impatiently. She was quite fed up with this.

'Customer? Oh well if you're keen I'll bring in your… _customer_. He's simply been _dying_ to see you.'

With that the guard left her in the dingy workspace she had been given. Apparently she was not in fact giving the guard a haircut but someone else. She sighed in frustration and started picking at the implements she had been given. She scrutinized one of the knives she had been given and noted the rusty-coloured blood on the tip.

Clicking her tongue in disgust she wiped the blade and then went over to the fire to burn off most of the gunk.

This place was so unsanitary and no wonder they took to asking prisoners for help if the last guy had you bleeding over a haircut. No, she supposed that was unfair. It might have just been a close shave that nicked the customer. She had accidentally done that once or twice while she was an apprentice. Those wounds tended to bleed a lot too and so maybe the blood on the chair could be explained from that as well. Still that was no excuse not to be hygienic.

The door to the room opened once more and a rough looking dwarf stumbled in followed by the creepy guard.

'Here is your… _customer_ ,' he said excitedly.

She could definitely see why she had been called in. The dwarf's hair was a nightmare. Tight braids have fuzzed up and tacked together with other strands of matted hair. His beard was even worse with singed patches - _and was that a toffee lolly tangled at the bottom?_

'Oh, what a mess,' she whispered under her breath and she pulled the knife from the flame.

What she didn't know was the dramatic effect she was causing between her half-shadowed face and the glowing heat of the knife. She actually looked quite menacing.

The dwarf gulped.

'This might take a while,' she warned the guard. He nodded understandingly.

'See what you can get out of him. He's been quite… _tight-lipped_.'

Jenny nodded accordingly but truthfully didn't understand.

'Well, I guess I can start with the tips and work my way up,' she mused out loud to the horror of the dwarf, 'As for his length… well… I'll try to save as much as I can.'

It was then Jenny noticed the wide-eyed look she was receiving from the dwarf and the quick darting of eyes towards the creepy guard. She reached a conclusion.

'Perhaps it might be best if we had some privacy?' she asked the guard trying to pacify the dwarf, 'I work best when there isn't an audience.'

The guard was dutifully understanding to her surprise.

'Of course. If they is anything you need I'm just a _scream_ away.'

With that he left and the door closed almost ominously. The dwarf squeaked.

'Oh, come now he's gone now so we can let loose a little,' she soothed, 'Now lets see what we can do about that hair.'

* * *

The screaming from the small chamber echoed through the prison and the head torturer smiled at the closed door.

'What a _promising_ apprentice,' he mused quite pleased.

* * *

She had never met such an ungrateful client

'It's just hair!' she grounded out frustrated.

'Just hair! You monster!' the dwarf cried out horrified.

'Well you shouldn't have let it get to this condition if you wanted to keep the length,' she gritted out with both hands in the tangle. She was actually thankful the guard strapped the dwarf in the chair now even when she had thought it overkill before.

'Good God! This is melted metal not toffee! What have you been doing!?' she cried out in despair over his beard, 'I'll have to chop it all off!'

'Demon! Witch! Beard-cutter!'

'Oh, enough name-calling you baby. Now, what were you even in prison for?' she asked trying to distract him from her putting the blade to his mangled locks.

'Only petty thievery! I don't deserve this treatment!' he cried out in tears.

'What do you even class petty thievery?' she asked half-interested half-intent on cutting out the unsalvageable pieces of hair.

'Let me go with the other man! I'll tell him everything if you just stop,' he sobbed.

'No way! He told me that I had to finish and God help me I will. I'm not letting you leave till this mess is gone and you look presentable.'

'I'll give up my accomplices! My trade route! My own mother! Just stop _please_ …'

'Is it true that lady dwarves have beards as well?' she asked curious now but without pausing her actions in the slightest.

'What?' the dwarf asked dumbly.

'Well I've gotten curious about dwarf women you see,' she said soothingly, 'I've heard their bearded too. Does your mother have a beard?'

'I was joking about my mother!' the dwarf cried, 'Don't you touch her!'

'Calm down. It doesn't have to be your mother. I'm not fussy. Any dwarf lady would do,' she paused and mulled over where she could go to see one, 'You're from the "Blue Mountains" correct?'

The dwarf was aghast.

'You're a demon. Sent from the pits of hell as a blight to dwarfkind,' he whispered in apparent agony, 'Not even the womenkind are safe. Will you inflict yourself on our precious children as well!?'

'Well… I suppose if I have the opportunity,' she replied breezily, 'I dare say they'll accept it better than you have you overgrown child.'

The dwarf fell into an anguished silence after and quite frankly she was relieved. It made it easier to finish off his haircut. She took a step back and admired her work.

'There we go. Much better,' she said proudly at the dwarf's hunched and defeated back. He didn't say anything back.

She opened the door to her new workplace and saw the guard lingering outside.

So creepy, she mused.

'I've finished up with him now,' she informed him, 'He was actually quite chatty once I managed to open him up.'

The guard was delighted.

'Ohoho did you now! Excellent work. Now as promised I'll take you to the cottage set for our... _special_ workers,' the guard said pleased, 'Let me just have a chat to our customer and I'll show you out. I'm oh so very… _glad_ your here.'

Jenny nodded appeased. She wouldn't have to go back to her cell after all.

'I expect my payment in full,' she warned and went to step out side.

'Oh you... _well_ deserve it,' was the silky response and the door swung closed behind him.

She waited for the guard outside the room and felt a little pleased. She was finally beginning to make some headway in this world.

* * *

After the horrors of what happened in the torture room the broken dwarf was led painfully back to his cell. His hair a couple of inches shorter and his beard close cut to his face. He was almost crippled with humiliation. His fellow inmates noted that there wasn't any blood on him as he walked past.

'In places we can't see?' they whispered.

'Can cripple without shedding blood?' others questioned.

'She broke me,' the dwarf cried to his cellmate, 'Never have I had such torture. I mean look at me!'

It was true. The dwarf certainly looked a wreck despite his evenly cut bangs.

'I even confessed but it didn't even faze her. She just kept cutting,' he admitted thoroughly shamed.

With wide eyes the newly enlightened eavesdroppers to the conversation went wild with rumours and soon it was around the whole prison.

The next day when Jenny was asked to come back she was met with distain and fear from the inmates.

Jealous perhaps, she mused. Either way she had a customer to get to and nothing was going to stop her from succeeding in getting paid.

* * *

 _xx_


	5. Chapter 5

_I was re-reading some of my stories and got enthused enough to finish a chapter of Jenny's that had been sitting there. I hope I've managed to keep the humour alive._ _Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit._

* * *

 **Chapter 5: There Goes the Reputation.**

* * *

Her time in prison extended way past what she had expected and before she knew it she had spent a year in the marshy place. She despaired in the fact she hadn't negotiated her payment properly before she started working for the black-cloaked man she now knew as Baldor as she had only received a silver coin every month for her work. She horded every coin though under her bed in a leather sack hoping that one-day she'll earn enough to get to Bree. The work was rough and not one of her customers appreciated her skills. But admittedly… she wasn't doing a great job most of the time.

She had been experimenting with wax to help with leg and underarm hair and so asked the guard if there were any willing volunteers to help her. He had gleefully told her he could find a few and it had taken quite a few attempts to get it right. The first had given the guy a nasty burn that even profuse apologising didn't help. The second try gave the poor girl a huge rash that had her crying. The third attempt was better but the rash thing was almost a guarantee with two in three receiving it. She had tweaked more but still hadn't manage to get rid of the rash issue but from what the guard told her every time he said that they requested for her to do a leg wax they fully understood what it meant and accepted the risk.

It didn't mean it didn't hurt every time they called her a demon when the rash extended up their legs and depending on the customer- the bikini-line.

Her experimenting didn't end there though. She was fully supported by her superior to develop her own skin care range, which was of great relief to her as her the prison atmosphere sucked moisture out of her skin like a desert. She had been devastated when she found out Middle Earth didn't apparently have any coconuts handy but they did have a plant very similar to aloe vera that was a saving grace. She had tried it on a client but apparently it's one of those things that work for some races and not others. The poor dwarf turned completely purple and had to be taken to a healer as he had trouble breathing. She might have gotten into a bit of trouble with that one.

One thing though did comfort her throughout all of this; she was almost like a priest to most of her clients. When they would have a session with her they would all give their confessional and it looked as if a great weight was off their chest once they had.

Prison life all in all was wearing on her though and she worked and saved until it was time that she could go north.

* * *

'Scum! Degenerates! Spawn from Mordor itself! Motherfu-'

'-Baldor!' Jenny interrupted the head torturer appalled. She despaired at the crudity of her workplace. She had told him time and again she wasn't comfortable with such vulgarity in her presence. Most of the time he acquiesced and somehow got her clients to do the same, which was nice but now and again he slipped.

'Ah… _a thousand apologies_ ,' Baldor simpered, 'I forget your ears are delicate where your hands are… _not._ '

'Err… right,' Jenny said warily, 'What is the problem?'

'Oh, it's simply is a… _travesty_ ,' he lamented, 'While you are a Master of our profession, that clearly shines through, can I not beg of you to stay? But no… you are too… _good_ for this place.'

'Baldor, what on Earth are you talking about?' Jenny sighed at his dramatic behaviour.

'Summons!' he hissed, 'Summons from the Men of Gondor! Your impressive… _qualities_ must have reached their ears.'

Jenny perked up.

'Gondor? Minas Tirith?' she asked curiously.

 _'_ Yes, The White City,' he muttered darkly, 'A thin facade of a shining city but like anywhere still has… _vermin_ in the gutters. So much so they have one of the largest prisons in the very bowels of the castle. Now they want… _you_ ,'

'Me?'

'Of course they would,' he bemoaned, 'I knew I should not have boasted so to my cousin of your… _prowess_.'

'Oh,' Jenny said simply feeling a little flattered.

It was true she hadn't seen any other salons around the place but she didn't know such a thing would be so prized she would be headhunted from another country. They must have heard all the good she was doing at Tharbad.

She was slowly but surely improving quality of life for the prisoners. She understood that they were there for punishment but the conditions were just unhealthy. She managed to get the warden to let them clean up their spaces. A whole list of duties was drafted and the prison had never looked so wonderful.

'I'm not sure I can take them up on it,' Jenny ruminated softly, 'I was planning to head North rather than South.'

Baldor didn't seem to hear her though.

'And to think! They would use bribery to get their way. 20 gold pieces for such a… _transfer_. They insult us! You are worth more than that… _tenfold_.'

That got her attention.

'…gold you said?'

'Only 20 pieces, scum!'

'…just hypothesising here… how many silver coins are there to a gold piece?' Jenny asked curiously.

Baldor seemed to misunderstand her question.

'I wouldn't mind a pay rise,' Jenny mused.

'If you're concerned about money I have… _plenty_ saved up,' Baldor suggested almost hopefully, 'we could… _work something out_?'

'No I don't want to borrow money,' Jenny misunderstood, 'I need to earn my own.'

Baldor hunched his shoulders and turned his face to the shadows, 'of course of course. How... _presumptuous_ of me.'

Jenny sighed and rubbed her face- that was still baby soft thanks to her latest skin cream.

'Baldor where is this summons you saw?'

Baldor pouted and with a flare of his cloak revealed a piece of parchment.

'It came by… _courier_ this morning,' he muttered.

'Thank you Baldor,' Jenny replied distractedly and took the letter… and was greeted with a myriad of strange letters.

 _Oh…_ Jenny gulped nervously.

'Oh yes I see…' she trailed off, 'Summons to Gondor?'

'Wretches,' Baldor cursed, 'and to only give you a month to reply.'

'Yes. I see,' Jenny hummed in agreement as if she understood. She didn't.

'Today is a… _deplorable_ day,' he mourned.

'Oh pish posh Baldor. Today is looking up,' Jenny cheered, 'be happy for me. I'm getting out of this prison and possibly going to Gondor!'

With that Jenny flounced off excitedly to pack while Baldor sat on the torture chair Jenny had been half-heartedly cleaning and put his head in his hands.

'How cruel,' he moaned, 'To have Tharbard's very own queen ripped from her kingdom.'

He pulled another piece of paper out of his cloak and stroked the face carefully drawn there.

'Jenny… we could have been so… _happy_ ,' he whispered longingly at it, 'I'll never find someone like you again. No one quite shares your… _creativity_ to our craft.'

Baldor folded the piece of paper up carefully and tucked it back in his cloak and patting it lovingly. He stood up, straightened his cloak and strode out of the torture room with resolution because his Momma always told him to let go of the things you love.

* * *

Jenny may have been a little over hasty in preparing to go to Gondor. She had packed her bags within an hour but found out from a bitter and reluctant Baldor that a contingent would come to pick her up once she sent a courier back with her acceptance.

She got the courier to write the letter and waited at the gates of Tharbad almost every opportunity she had hoping to see essentially a knight in shining armour to save her from the prison.

They couldn't come too soon as Baldor was being quite the pill at the moment and she was heartbroken to hear most of the prisoners were celebrating her impending departure.

In the end it took over two months for the contingent to arrive.

* * *

The contingent from Gondor, when they did arrive, were certainly not knights in shining armour but rather grimy men in scruffy leathers.

Jenny when she heard of their arrival and raced out excitedly but was less excited when she was caught downwind of them. After a night for the men to refresh themselves and have the horses rested it was time for the group to depart.

Jenny dragged her bags to the prison gates eagerly enough though that morning and not even Baldors foul mood and depressing comments could shake her relief on finally escaping the prison.

'This is it... the end... the finale... _the dissolution_.'

'Enough Baldor,' Jenny demanded, 'just be happy for me. You'll find someone new to replace me soon enough.'

'No one and nothing will even replace you,' he decreed solemnly, 'Even if I searched for a thousand years.'

'Stop being dramatic. Oh! Hush now. The captain is waving us over.'

True enough the man leading the contingent to take her to Gondor had mounted his horse and beckoned Baldor and herself to come closer.

'Men of Gondor I bequeath the Queen of these lands to your care!' Baldor announced dramatically to the entire party and Jenny in response hid her face in her hands, 'She is a shining light that does not dim! Her hands while soft can strike fear into peoples hearts! Take care to protect her on her journey to your black lands because her wrath will be mighty in response if you fail her!'

'Shut up Baldor!' she hissed mortified, 'You're giving them the wrong impression.'

'But they deserve to know who rides along them,' Baldor griped, 'A Goddess beyond _all measure_!' he said overly loud again so the riders could hear.

'Baldor shush!'

Jenny despaired. It seems she would never lose her menacing reputation. Even now her escorts shied away from her… the ones that weren't laughing of course.

'But my precious-'

'Oooh please don't call me that it brings up bad memories,' Jenny pleaded, 'It's not goodbye forever anyway. I'll only stay at Gondor until I earn enough to make it north again. I plan to buy a house and everything once I get there.

'Near... _Tharbard_?' Baldor asked with dawning hope.

'God no!' Jenny refuted swiftly, 'I already am concerned I'll never get the stench of the swamp out of my nose. No, I'll head further north. The Shire I think if they'll let me.'

'The... _Shire_?' Baldor asked confused but the lead Gondorian that had come to fetch her trotted forward on his horse seemingly to hustle the progression on.

'Milady your noble steed awaits,' he said coolly and Jenny sighed as she saw the mockery in his eyes.

'Goodbye and thank you Baldor,' she said despondently and swung up onto her horse (something she had a learnt how to do out of sheer necessity) and the entire party began to move off. She didn't end up looking back so didn't see Baldor's heartbroken face as the love of his life rode out of the prison gates.

'What… _a woman_ ,' Baldor murmured heartbrokenly as he watched the love of his life leave the prison grounds.

Jenny didn't look back.

* * *

 _xx_


	6. Chapter 6

_Its been a while guys but I received a review the other day asking for a chapter for Christmas and well... voila! I was a little worried it had a different tone to other chapters as it got a little deep (something that this story was not meant to be) but I wrote what came to mind and well no one is that oblivious right? Merry Christmas everyone though and hope everyone is keeping well! Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit._

* * *

 **Chapter 6: Falling Deeper Still**

* * *

Ends up a couple of months of practice on a horse does not a rider make. Every evening when the party settled down for the evening she hobbled bowlegged to the nearest flatish surface till the ache subsided enough to actually walk like a lady again.

'Lordy I haven't been this sore in the thighs since my teens!' She exclaimed a week into the journey as the Captain's squire steadily built a fire. The squire looked up at her curiously and swiftly turned his head as he met her gaze.

Jenny huffed annoyed. She had been trying to engage the squire in conversation since the outset but he was not biting. She figured he was shy but she loved children so she was quite determined to get him to open up.

'You see my friends and I went on a camping trip when I was around 18. I had finally gotten my full license and I borrowed my brothers car... well wagon I suppose? Anyway. We headed off to the ocean as a sort of graduation present to ourselves. We of course brought copious amounts of alcohol with us so we were absolutely plastered most of the time,' at this point Jenny started to chuckle to herself and she noted the squire had paused in his fire making and it encouraged her greatly, 'The point of the story though is that we were young and foolish and well... one of the guys... men with us was a bit of a metal head and he spotted some bike rentals and conned me into jumping on back which was reckless as we were half cut most days as I said. I rode with him so much that my thighs were sore for days!' She started laughing but it died off when she caught the squire's expression. The boy was as red as his crimson locks though and thoroughly frozen in his fire making.

Jenny went over the conversation in her mind and though perhaps a lot of the concepts in her story were perhaps a little too modern.

'Err... how much of that story did you understand?'

'Well more than enough judging by the small tent he's constructed instead of a fire,' a gruff voice piped up from nearby, 'Kai you best get along now.'

The boy- Kai jumped up in a twitch and scooted off into the darkness leaving the Captain who knelt down next to the woodpile and started where Kai had left.

'Now look here Your Holiness, that boy has a lot of potential but you can't be talking to him like that. Let him keep his youth a little longer. He isn't one for adult talk for some years yet.'

Jenny of course was immediately irritated at the moniker she'd been given and even more so by the apparent lack of confidence the man had in his own squire.

'Too young for adult conversation? The boy is at least 14?'

'In his 13th year actually and yes- far too young. So you'd best leave off him now,' he said as a word of warning, 'I'm sure there'd be plenty of men in our party that would be up for those sorts of conversations if you really need. However, your reputation will never be salvageable afterwards you understand?'

Jenny did understand for once what the Captain was insinuating.

'I wasn't seducing the boy! I was merely trying to engage him in conversation!' she hissed.

Flirt as she may with... basically everyone she met... she wasn't that sort of girl.

'You may need to watch your words then and perhaps keep them well away from Kai,' the Captain grumbled and with a clack, a hiss and a careful breath of air the fire sparked up. He stood up and sighed staring at the kindling flame.

'To be truthful, I have asked him to stay clear as I still haven't got your measure,' he admitted, 'You play the queen, the maiden and the tempter in a single conversation. You appear to have been kept as a precious daughter but your lifestyle is at odds with your clean face.'

Jenny stared at the Captain who she had thought had not given her a glance edgeways the entire journey and then made sure she was sitting as primly as she could on the rock she had bee-lined from since getting off her horse as to give off a good impression. This was made a little hard as it wasn't the most comfortable perch as there was an irregular point giving her a somewhat... intimate scratch. She determinedly ignored it.

'Stay clear of me? I'm not sure what you think of me if you think I'm someone that children need to "stay clear",' Jenny was quite frankly insulted.

'That remains to be seen. Though, I have been giving you the benefit of the doubt. A fellow Captain I trust from Tharbard has given his impressions of you and that you are... relatively harmless and seem of gentle breeding and so I have instructed my men to remain respectful though wary,' he gave her a sceptical side eye.

'Tharbard? Do you mean Baldor?' Jenny asked confused for she was certain Baldor was no Captain. She wasn't quite sure what he was actually?

'No, not that idiot,' he snorted amused, 'He is a trusted friend and I find I believe his words even if I haven't quite made up my mind yet about you.'

'...and what did this Captain say?'

'That if pressed to find a likeness for you that you are akin to a Lady with a flower in your right hand but a scythe in your left.'

Jenny spent the rest of the evening wondering what that meant.

* * *

The journey took them towards Rohan on the North-South Road, which brought then a change in scenery but also changes in weather as they progressed. It was the beginnings of summer and the wind turned hot and dry andJenny was almost out of her batch of moisturiser. She had stocked up well in Tharbard while waiting for the contingent to arrive but in attempts to improve her terrible reputation she had been generous in sharing her wares with the riders. They were appreciative and in fact their party was turning into a merry one, which delighted her. The downside of course was now her skin was cracking due to her rationing. This appalling weather lasted for days and put everyone in foul moods. One stray comment on her part and a complete overreaction for sure on another's led to her reputation taking a dive again.

It was also the last time she made the suggestion that another person take a sorely needed bath.

Relief came as they were heading through the Gap of Rohan and the weather turned muggier. This of course made everything sweaty but her skin soaked up that moisture like no tomorrow. A day or so afterwards the storm that had been building with the heat broke and they were forced to camp out a few days on a rocky outcropping till the storm passed.

This of course was the point where she fell ill.

'I _hate_ this,' she snuffled into her rag thin blanket and coughed wetly.

'Spare your words,' one of the particularly more rugged of the riders grouched from where he was playing nursemaid to her and spoon feeding her some sort of pasty glue-like gruel. It was a small miracle she couldn't actually taste it.

The man of course had been the one to lose the game of dice they had started up once they realised she couldn't hold onto the spoon.

'Sowwy,' she snuffled wetly and the man cringed.

He obviously hasn't been able to catch a wife with those manners, she thought snidely.

'Poor thing,' he muttered under his breath as he daintily scraped the side of her mouth where the gruel spilt and she felt immediately chastised.

She took the opportunity to take in the riders appearance and looked beyond the slick matted hair, poorly shaven face and terrible stench (that she thankfully couldn't smell at this point). He had a kindly face she decided.

'Name?' was all she could manage but from the curious look she got he understood enough.

'Gwaithe, Your Holiness,' he smirked showing at least one missing tooth.

She gave him a droll look but nodded and looked curiously to the other riders and coughed out another "Name" command and Aiselith, Roth, Wain, Halhorne, Darrow, Kai- which she already knew- and Kailen was added to her list of names. The Captain being Kailen to her curious eye.

'Nine Riders,' she said amused as the thought suddenly came to her and then paid for it dearly as she promptly had a coughing fit. Gwaithe looked at her as if she was an idiot before setting aside the mostly uneaten gruel and settling himself beside her.

'Name,' he asked amused pointing at her and it was at this point she felt horrifically like a thumb.

'Jenny,' she rasped and did her best to muffle coughs, 'Sorry,' she apologised again but this time just for being overwhelmingly gross.

How did it get to week two of the journey to do introductions?

'Sorry,' she repeated softly.

'It's alright lass,' Gwaithe replied just as soft, 'we were rather fond of calling you by yer title anyway.'

Jenny huffed and snuggled into her blanket a bit more.

'Family?' she whispered.

Gwaithe smiled.

'I've got a wife and two sons...' he began.

Jenny settled herself deeper and spent the evening listening to the pattering of rain against rock and the rough baritones of Gwaithe as he regaled her of stories of his family that he was journeying home to.

Despite being ill it was one of her favourite days in Middle Earth.

* * *

 _xx_


End file.
